Boat Song
by Horky
Summary: Can we keep our bearing straight? Or will we be blown off course? Are we instruments of fate? Do we really have a choice? We threw our hearts into the sea Forgot all of our memories


At some point, you just have to accept things...like accepting that you no matter how much you want to, no matter how much your sure you should be doing it, or how happy you know it would make you, you can't fly. I'd love to fly, escape for awhile; see the world from a different view. Watch everything just get tiny, watch everything just disappear through the mist of a cloud. Disappear into the sun. Fall for miles.

xxx

Bzzzzz...

Bzzzzz...

Bzzzzz...

My mouth is dry, my tongue glued to the roof of my mouth. I try to swallow as I roll across the bed, my head pounding in protest. I crack an eye, squinting against the searing light of my phone screen.

I push my hair out of my face with one hand, trying to get the words to focus.

It's almost noon, and Yuffie is calling me.

Shit!

"Shit!" I lurch up, my stomach flip flopping as I do so. I try swallowing again, and clear my throat before answering.

"Hello?'

"HellllLLLLLoooOOOoo!" Yuffie shouts at me from the other end. I grimace, holding the phone back a ways from my ear.

"Hey," I say, stumbling out of bed, scrambling towards the bathroom.

"Why are you still locked up? I thought we were going to lunch. You said 12."

"We are, we are," I say quickly, trying to yank my pajama top off with one hand while holding the phone with the other hand. "I just, I wasn't feeling well this morning. Got a late start." I wonder if she can hear the raspy tone in my voice, the guilt. I manage to yank my head through the hole of my shirt. "I'm just getting out of the shower."

"Okay," she says. "Can you come unlock the door?"

"Give me a few minutes to get some clothes on, okay?"

"But Tifa, it's _freezing-_

I hang up the phone quickly, knowing I can feign that I didn't hear her. I slam the shower on hot, grabbing my toothbrush from the counter and slathering it with toothpaste. I stumble into the shower, brushing vigorously, especially my tongue and the back of my throat. I don't bother shampooing my hair, just getting it wet enough so it looks like I washed it. I run some soap over the important parts before jumping back out of the shower, hoping that I've kept this all under two minutes. I toss my toothbrush in the vague direction of the sink, and hear it clatter somewhere on the counter top. I don't pause to look where it's landed. I push on, grabbing my deodorant as I head to the load of clean laundry I still haven't put away from last week.

I manage to extract some jeans that aren't too wrinkled, and a top that I know I can just wear a sweater over. I yank my feet into my boots, sans socks, and stumble out into the hallway. I try to retrace my steps quickly in my head before I open the door.

I live in a bar, so there's bound to be empty liquor bottles, and dirty glasses in the sink; I don't always manage to get everything clean. And she shouldn't go into my room, and if she does, so what if I have glass on my nightstand? Nothing suspicious, nothing at all.

As I reach the bottom of the steps, the hangover that was pushed away in my panic begins to hit me again. I can taste my breath, thick with sticky sweetness even after the thorough brushing. I make a quick pit stop in the kitchen, tossing back a couple asprin and chugging a bottle of water.

All in all, by the time I open the door, I think I've managed to keep it under 10 minutes of waiting for Yuffie.

She's still peeved though, teeth chattering when I open the door to the light dusting of snow.

" _Finally!_ " she shouts, stomping her feet. "Can we _go_?" she pauses, blinking and taking in my disheveled appearance. "You-you're ready?"

I know she doesn't mean it as an insult, I know I look like a pile of warm crap, but I smile. "Yeah! I told you, I woke up late-I didn't have time to dry my hair," I say, pushing the dripping locks of hair off my shoulder.

"We can wait a few minutes, I don't mind. You shouldn't come out in this cold with your hair wet."

"No, no," I say, stepping outside quickly before she can force her way in. "I hate blow drying my hair, and I've got a hat." I pull out the knitted cap, twisting my hair quickly into a bun and stuffing it beneath the cap. It's uncomfortable, and probably doesn't make me look much better, but that's what we're going with.

"Okay," she says uncertainly, but she turns to follow me up the street.

"This brunch place is really good,"I say, a little too cheerfully.

"Did you open last night?" she asks, catching me off guard.

"Oh, uh, no."

"Why not?"

I shrug, tucking my hands into my armpits; I should've brought gloves. "I just, didn't feel like it."

"Cloud been working a lot?" she asks, too casually.

"Yeah," I lick my lips. "He's been gone for the week. He should be back in a few days."

Yuffie nods her head, and we walk the rest of the way in silence.

The brunch is pleasant; we exchange niceties. She tells me about her adventures to hidden temples and tombs with Vincent, and I nod my head, and add in the appropriate exclamations when something exciting happens in her stories. It keeps her entertained for a while; Yuffie's always liked talking about herself. Not in a selfish way, she just loves telling us how she almost got killed and or got Vincent killed doing something stupid that he told her not to do. While we wait for the check she turns her attention back to me, and the Heaven.

"Did you open any while Cloud's been gone?"

I shake my head, "I just wanted some quiet, you know?"

She smiles. "Totally. It's gotta be a lot more quiet with just you and him in the house."

"Yeah," I smirk, "Five word conversations with him, I've been seeing if I can get it down to three."

Yuffie laughs and I feel guilty.

Cloud isn't the one giving yes and no responses to everything, but of course she would think it was him.

"Maybe..." she says, hesitantly, "Maybe you guys should get a dog?"

"Something else to take care of?" I smile.

"Well, with the kids with Barret, and Cloud traveling so much for work...don't you get lonely? Maybe Denzel would come back to stay for a while. I know he misses you guys."

I shake my head immediately, "No, no...after everything he and Marlene went through it seems wrong to separate them."

"Well maybe they could both come?"

I shake my head no.

"Just a visit, Tifa," she prods gently.

"In the summer," I agree. "When it's warmer. There will be things to do...festivals, and...swimming," I flounder.

"Yeah," she says, finally dropping it.

I know they're worried. I know they all talk about me. I know Cloud talks to them. I know he suspects. If we haven't been open, then why are the always empty bottles in the bin? If we haven't been open, then why are there always dirty glasses in the sink? Why don't I cook? Why don't we go for a ride?

No. I think I'll just stay home.

Yuffie picks up the check, and we head out. I stop her at the door when she tries to come, making up some excuse about the heat being on the fritz, and not wanting her to sit in the cold any longer than I already made her. She accepts my answer, but I can tell she knows it isn't true.

It's hard to leave the house, it's hard to get out of bed. It's hard to make phone calls, or even text someone. It opens them up to asking questions, and I don't want questions asked, because I don't want to give them the answers they'll know they'll hear.

Everything is falling apart.

I move into the living room; it's a mess, littered with take out boxes and empty bottles. Cloud will be home in a few days; he came home early once, and caught me cleaning up my mess. It didn't look this bad; just an empty bottle and an old pizza box. He had teased me about having a movie night without him, but his expression had changed when he saw the bags under my eyes.

I think he knows, but he won't say anything. He'll let me figure it out.

Sometimes I wish he would say something. I think he's hinted to stuff to the gang, but they're too scared to say anything either.

I should clean, but I'm still tired. I unwind my hair, still soaking wet, and kick off my boots. I lie down on the couch but don't bother turning on the TV. The quiet is better.

xxx

Bzzzzz...

Bzzzzz...

Bzzzzz...

The TV is blinking static, my phone is humming on the coffee table. I grab at it, knocking a half full beer bottle side ways.

Shit!

"Shit!"

I sit up right, picking the bottle up and throwing some napkins on top of the spill from my take out earlier.

At least I remembered to order supper.

The display on my phone is a tiny, yellow bird dancing up and down.

 _Cloud..._

I let it ring, staring at it with a longing and a shame I can't describe. It finally stops, and after a minute or so lights back up.

One new voicemail.

I dial, holding my breath as I wait for the recording to start. I can feel my stomach in my throat, and it's not the hangover this time.

"Hey Teef," his voice is soft, so soft, and warm and all the things it always has been. It makes my chest swell in happiness, and then shrink in shame. "I got called for another job, so I'm going to be a little bit longer." he pauses, and I can hear the wind in his phone. I picture him on a cliff side somewhere, overlooking Costa del Sol. "It's still warm here." He doesn't know what to say; he never knows what to say in a voicemail and I smile fondly. "You must be asleep. I'll try you again tomorrow."

The line goes dead and I replay the message three more times before I delete it and put the phone down. I stare at it, contemplating calling him back or not. I try to gauge the strength of my buzz, if it's worn off enough that I can trust myself to speak with him.

I decide it hasn't.

xxx

Bzzzzz...

Bzzzzz...

Bzzzzz...

"Hello?"

"Teef," his voice is crackling; he must have bad service.

"Hey," I smile, trying to let him hear it in my voice. "Where are you?"

"No idea," Cloud said. "End of the road, practically. There can't be much farther to go."

"Don't get lost," I reply.

I'm ready for the call. I didn't have anything else last night after he called. I woke up early, but I didn't get out of bed. I picture him, lying in the bed beside of me, his pale lashes curving gracefully on his cheek. I touch his pillow, and wait for his reply.

"It'll probably be another five days. I'm sorry Teef,"

"It's okay," I say because I know that's what he wants to hear. I miss him so much, but I know when he gets home I'll want him to leave. As soon as I get used to him being gone, he comes back and makes everything feel loud and disjointed. As soon as I get used to him being back he leaves, and I feel lost and like I am in a giant hole by myself. What happened to balance? I used to have balance. I don't know when I lost it...little by little, I think, and then one day, everything just tipped.

"Just be safe," I finish.

"Always," and I can hear the smile in his voice. "I'll keep you posted, okay? Don't want to worry you too much."

I smile but don't say anything for a moment. Say something. "I had brunch with Yuffie."

"Yeah?" I hear him perk up, his voice hopeful. "How was it?"

"The usual," I stand up, finally walking over to the window. I peer out at the snow coming down thick. "Her and Vincent are still roaming the world."

Having adventures.

"They keep each other just sane enough."

"If they don't drive each other crazy first," I smirk. We sit in silence for another moment.

"Tifa,"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too," I say automatically.

"I'll see you soon."

"Okay."

xxx

It was my phone that woke me up that morning, not the pain. I don't know how it wasn't the pain.

Cloud wasn't there, I told him it would be okay even though he didn't want to leave. We were still a month out; we had time.

He had called me, and I didn't hear the ringer, but I heard the phone beeping when he left the voicemail.

It was the beeping that woke me up, just that rhythmic beeping every minute or so. I had rolled over in the bed, and that's when I felt the pain, twinging in my side. I had gasped, and cried out. That didn't wake the children.

And then I felt the wetness between my legs. I thought my water had broke.

But when I turned on the light the sheets were red.

It was the screaming that woke the children.

xxx

I don't think I'll ever be whole. How do you become whole? Every kind of life event seems to be designed to take chips out of you. Friends dying, or moving away, taking pieces of you with them. People picking you apart even as they love you, till what's left?

And then how do you face it?

Yuffie is coming over today. I can't face it, I don't want to face it. What if she does die on one of her wild trips into those booby trapped concoctions the Ancients left behind? She'll take a piece with her, like Aeris did. I had to send the children away; I couldn't take care of them after. They took pieces of me with them.

And every time Cloud leaves, he takes a bigger piece. Is there a way to put those pieces back? A way to hang on to yourself?

Do you just have to be alone?

The snow is falling thicker; Yuffie will be late. I pack, shoving things into a bag without looking.

I leave the liquor.

I go out the back door, where the snow is beaten down in the alley with many footsteps; no one comes to the front door. I lied to her. I haven't opened the bar in months.

I'm the only one whose been making the dirty glasses and the empty bottles.

My footsteps blend in with the workers that move through the alley, and I follow the heavy path of them towards the bus line.

I sleep on the ride, my phone buzzes quietly in my pocket but I ignore it. It's just Yuffie. She hasn't called Cloud yet.

The docks are buzzing with people, even with the thick snow. I purchase a ticket and watch the sea beneath me as we leave the harbor.

I can't fly, but I can swim.

The froths of the water calms me, it's peaceful, and despite the thriving docks, this ship is relatively quiet.

Cloud has called once but he didn't leave a message. He'll be coming home today.

I know this isn't fair to him but I don't know how to put myself back together in that house. I don't know if even he can put me back together.

I call him, and it goes to voicemail; when he's driving he doesn't hear his phone ring, and if Yuffie's told him anything I know he'll be driving like the wind.

"Hey Cloud," I say softly, and I wonder if he'll hear the waves in the background.

"I've got to go for a while...I just...need to find..." Find what? A place? A person? Yes, a person. "Myself. I...I don't know who I am anymore...for so long I was just Tifa, the girl from Nibelhiem, and then I was Tifa the girl in AVALANCHE, and then I was Tifa, the girl who married Cloud. And those were good things Cloud, wonderful things, but then..." I gasp, pushing my hand over my mouth and bite my knuckles, finding control. "And then I was Tifa, the girl...the girl who was going...to be a mother...and I...I..." The wind steals my voice, ice in my lungs. "And I don't know who I'm supposed to be now. I was ready, Cloud. I was so ready...and I know you were too. And I know I broke your heart, and I know I'm breaking your heart...a...again... I just have to find a way to be just Tifa again, before I can be Tifa and Cloud again..."

There are waves crashing. "I don't know how long that'll take..." I swallow. "I l-love you, Cloud. I love you so much."

The phone makes a tiny splash in the water, disappearing into the gray.

I grip the railing tighter. There is part of me that wants to let go, the part that wishes I had brought the liquor.


End file.
